Finding me

2003-06-02

I care a lot about what people think about me. And I hate that, but it's true. I care so much about what people say behind my back that I've been trying to change for people to like me all my life. But I reached a point where I didn't anymore. I still cared what they thought about me, but I didn't change for someone to like me better..

But you're coming back again.
You don't mean to waste my time.
But you're coming back so.
Don't tell me
how to be cause I like some suffering.
Don't ask me what I need,
I'm doing fine finding me.

People can't all love you. There will always be people that doesn't like you, but there will also be people who do like you. I have a hard time liking that sentence. I want the world to love me. I want people to like me as I am. I want people to not have anything bad to say about me. But being the person that I am, that's a hard task. Because I'm weird. I'm too honest about my feelings, I cry when I want to.. I tell people that ask how my life is going at the moment.. and I scream at those who treat me or others bad.

I've already given up on getting through.
I never questioned who I'm talking to.
So much for nothing,
but nothing means so much.
I know it's touching,
but I've been out of touch.

I'm a sucker for attention.. I want people to notice me in a good way. To look at me and say: Hey, I know that girl.. She's the one with ..... And all that. And I know I have a good life. I know I'm lucky as hell with being the person that I am. I have good friends, a boyfriend that loves me, a school that gives me the time of my life and I am able to smile at any time.. But I still need those moments where things doesn't feel so good.

And it's all that I can do.
I'm a sight for my sore eyes.
But it's all I am so
don't tell me how to be
cause I like some suffering.
Don't ask me what I need,
I'm doing just fine
finding me.

I need those days when life seems a mess. When I hate myself and the people around me.. When I want to cry and slam things in the wall. We all need those moments. And I know it might seem like I'm full of them, but as many moments that I've shared through this diary.. There are a double amount of good moments, that I don't always feel like sharing. Things that are too personal even for me to share with the world.. And it's a known fact that inspiration is something you lack when you're happy, or at least you have much more of it when you're sad..

I don't think you notice
when I can't reach out.
I guess you're waiting
for somebody else again.
So much for talking,
it's all been said before.
I'm hearing something,
but I wish you'd just say more.

And I can understand that people from my old school has got the impression that I never cared about them. That I was only interested in being above them in any ways.. But I was not. I had such low thoughts about myself at that time, that I never realized how they felt about me. A helping hand became them making a fool out of me, in my eyes.. There's so much in life that you can look back on, and regret. I regret being so paranoid at junior high. But I still had a great time, though..

But you're going off again.
When I try to just hold on.
But you're going off so..
Don't tell me
how to be
cause I like some suffering...
- Vertical Horizon

I know I'm one of the luckiest persons alive. And one of the privilieges every one has is to feel what they want to feel. And even enjoy sadness, like I do. Believe what you want, but it's all for me.. It's not an attempt to make anyone feel sorry for me.

yesterday or tomorrow