I have what I want

2004-05-30

I think I do. I always get what I want. And if I don't get what I want, I change my desires and want something else.. so that I can get what I want. Again. I wanted it to be him and me forever. But I wanted him to be what he was when we were 16. I couldn't get that. So I changed what I wanted and wanted something else.. I wanted to be alone. Just me.

Then I was alone. And I figured out I wasn't alone after all. He was there with me. All along. He held me tight through crying and laughing and wondering and loneliness. He'd been there all along. I just didn't realize that the reason I thought about him all day long and the reason I wanted him to look at me, the reason I wanted it to be him that called whenever the phone rang.. I didn't realize that I wanted him, and not being alone.

"Are you sure you're not just afraid of being alone?"

There are different ways of being alone as well. The loneliness that hurts the most is the loneliness you feel when you're with other people. I'm not afraid of being alone, because I'm not alone at the moment. But I'm just me. By that, I mean that I'm not someone's girlfriend. Nobody owns me. I've been owned for 2 years, but now I'm me. With him. Holding hands, smiling, talking through the nights, getting to know him... and getting to know that he's not what I thought he was at all. He's better.

I am happy. I have what I want. Because I want what I have.

And the sad thing about it, is that I realize that I didn't want what I once had.. and that was the reason I always lacked something.

yesterday or tomorrow